ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?

I hope so, because here comes some absolutely shocking news: "People who eat meat and carry on doing so put on more weight over a five year period than people who switch over to vegetarianism." A study of 22,000 people by Cancer Research UK carried out at Oxford University found that although we all put on weight as we get older, "vegetarians put on less weight than meat eaters, and vegans put on less weight than vegetarians." Meat eaters on average gained four times as much weight as vegetarians and vegans. And just to add that last coffin nail, the lead researcher specified that "contrary to current popular views that a diet low in carbohydrates and high in protein keeps weight down, we found that the lowest weight gain came in people with high intake of carbohydrate and low intake of protein." Researchers failed, however, to examine the link between high protein intake and a susceptibility to falls while slipping on ice.

THREE STRIKES AND WE'RE DONE!

Showcasing the grasp of logic that has made it the global laughingstock of food industry oversight, the USDA announced today that now that it has found three mad cows in the U.S. it's time to... wait for it... stop testing so many cows! In addition to going from hundreds of thousands back to something around 40,000 cattle, the USDA will also rely on "market forces" and livestock producers' good intentions to assure that BSE-infected cattle can be traced back to their point of origin. Hopefully, market forces will also be able to cure the consumers who contract the fatal disease from the vast swath of untested U.S. beef.

I'M BACK - AND SO IS MAD COW

I was telling myself "tomorrow I'm gonna get back to blogging, no matter what." But I still might've blown it off without this impetus: A cow in Alabama has tested positive for mad cow disease, confirming the third U.S. case of the brain-wasting ailment.

Don't worry, though... "The cow did not enter the food supply for people or animals," officials said, waiting until the media glare subsided in order to issue a long-after-the-fact correction that the meat did in fact enter the food supply. Oh, wait, I just added that last part. Guess I was confused by the USDA's repeated history in these matters.